Tag Archives: grief

Things are going better. The paperwork hangs on – i did his last taxes but just can’t seem to remember to mail the papers.

There wasn’t much so i hope that is all proceeding well. There should be a social service or help for those who.have lost their life partners – everything is hard but some agency could make it easier by helping.

But for me i still get emotional whiplash. Thought i was over the worst and doing surprisingly well, although doing well seems mostly to be presenting a brave happy face to the world.

But tabling for the watershed sentinel at a community event on Sunday … well, i enjoyed it, loved the company, and thought finally! i was ok. I knew i have gotten emotional whiplash each time before, but i thought this time, months later, i had finally swum out of that drowning pool.

And then the backlash. Tonight i remembered how he would always carry the boxes for me, i never had to worry about that hassle.

Then i touched his urn, and it was cold, he would have been complaining.

And again the future looks bleak and empty and i am so alone with only my memories and heartbreak for company.

Better, but not ok, not yet. Hiding it better, but still broken.

Today for the first time since my love passed, i actually truly enjoyed myself for 2 hours, with no tears, no regrets, and joy in my heart.

Yesterday i went to the beach and that too was good, but every little social outing is completely exhausting. I usually crawl into bed for an hour even after a quick trip to the store. It overwhelms. All those living bodies, each with their own complex stories, just too much.

But today was different.

My friend Linda and I met for brunch at the Wave, a hotel in the Valley which had a bluegrass jam featured.

And oh i was transported – live music! the rhythm, that lovely bluegrass twang, the banjo, guitar, bass, and the fiddle. It was magic and joyful.

My friend of over a decade looked at me and said, “I didn’t know you liked bluegrass that much” and i had to laugh as i said, I didn’t either!

I remembered how my love would be up dancing, as i so wanted to (covid rules say no). And was glad there was no need to try to explain that rule to him. It would have been a nightmare, ending in anger and tears. That is over.

It is a small start – the beginning of imagining a new life, one to be enjoyed, as in his mid stage he so wanted for me. Today for a few hours the pain lifted and there was life and joy on the other side, instead of just endurance. No need to worry about him anymore.

Right now, in this moment, before the fog lowers again, i am interested to see what happens next.