2 years out….
To be honest and non-dramatic, it is slowly getting better — many more days with no tears.
Often though, much more often, just kinda getting through the day the week the year, and wondering, “So this is normal life? why am i taking up space on this crowded planet?”
And sometimes a few words, a memory, a tv show, pierce even this boring facade.
He worried a lot about what would happen to me and i would laugh and say, Oh i will be very sad, but i had a life before you, dude!
Didn’t quite work out that way — he knew me better than i did with all my bluster.
Often my dreams show him floating in and out, usually with a building project, but unlike real life we never fight – and maybe all our earth life fights were on the surface?
Because in my dreams i have no ego or ambition, and he too is simply there with me, floating in this strange ambience – it is very strange.
But in the daylight, i stagger on, often eeking enjoyment from great days, good adventures, interesting projects. Sometimes even forget anything but the moment.
But the beauty of music still makes me cry, i don’t know why.
But I do know for sure that when i laugh too much, when i have a great time with friends, when i have free space, a day or two later, it hits.
The stories from war in Ukraine, in Gaza, seeing those people in their loving heartbreak, a phrase, a story, a drama about love and sacrifice —- out-of-nowhere any and all trigger this pain, this twisting of the helpless heart. As tonight.
Sometimes when i wake from thosecdreams where we are floating together i wish this could be the afterlife after all? Maybe if i just let go a bit more, i could join him again?
Beyond the safe encompassing feel of his body, even when his mind was gone, there was a peace, a mind meld – that is what i miss and why i am so very lonely.
Goodnight my friends and thanks for reading – talk to you another day.