I owe it to those who read this blog to note that the last 2 weeks have been very peaceful, in comparison to the previous month. There have only been a couple of tiny upsets, and we have mostly been sleeping through the night (Hooray!). Except of course for Don’s habit of getting up at six, wanting to get the coffee, occasionally spilling it, and then falling fast asleep again. Maybe he feels that with me then awake and alert it is safe for him to sleep. That is kind of tiring, but nothing like the scary events of earlier.
This peace is brought about by drugs. I know the Alzheimer’s Society is very against drugging patients, but, frankly, what else are you to do? If it wasn’t for drugs (an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic) my love would be in the hospital waiting for a secure care placement and raving his life away. That unhappy situation will come, I suppose, eventually. There is the tension that one never knows at what time, day, hour, the drugs will stop “working” and we will spiral into fear and delusion again. But in the meantime, life is bearable and he is almost happy to be here with me at home, although somewhat unconvinced that this is “home.”
I, on the other hand, think I can see a precipitous decline in his mental capacity — oh it is more than “think” — he now asks directions to the bathroom in this house where we have lived for 8 years. Thank goodness he asks! I suspect this is the payoff for my long standing policy of trying to never show surprise at what he says or asks. I always wanted him to be comfortable asking, rather than hiding whatever was going on – or not – in his head.
Seeing this decline, I know that in a year or two, at most, I will be freed of this heavy burden, when he does have to go into long term care, and that gives me a sad sense of relief ahead.
I visited Ken yesterday, when he saw me he said “where’ve you been” as he always does. He lives in the moment & feels he has not seen me in ages. We went to happy hour and listened to the music. I told him my birthday is tomorrow! Then they played “The-Tennessee Waltz & he asked me to dance. It was just as if he was well again, he swept me around the floor, never missed a beat and sang me the song word by word. For a moment in time it was as it was. I have loved him since I was 17 (well mostly!!). Many times he is still my old Ken, but each moment like this is so precious and I am so grateful for all the years of fun and adventure.