Monthly Archives: December 2021

3 months

i am startled to realise it is 3 months since he left, leaving that raw agonized hole in my heart i try not to venture near.

i surprize myself by feeling ok and even well a lot of the time. Or sometimes lonely, occasionally with a flash of joy, and many times a great love for others, but completely listless at other times. Getting out of bed is a struggle because waking up has the danger of bringing it all crashing down in my head again.

I summon up the strength to do my job, or enjoy a social event. Then, repeatedly, I crumble as soon as i am alone. Not every time, but the ache in my heart demands its sacrifice and i have no idea how to appease it.

But just 3 months to adjust to losing your centre for 4 decades, your main opponent, the one who loved and trusted you all through (well, mostly except when the dementia made him super paranoid), your biggest fan, safest harbour… it is not long.

I wish i could just crawl in a hole and ignore New Year. We always treasured it. About 8 years ago (or more) he forgot – we were at Flying Debris at Zocallos, and he had no clue what was going on at midnight. Or what midnight was. He only knew the music. I kissed him, for both of us, and did so all the rest of his years.

And now i cannot do even that.

You know…. I’m not really okay so please don’t ask. It will only make me politely lie, and it won’t be the therapeutic fibs i learned to sweetly tell my demented love. It will be ashes in my mouth.

But thank you for reading – I do feel your company on this long pain-filled journey, though the haze of this long grief.

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Alright

Not too surprisingly, he got his way again.

Now what is corporally left is nestled comfortably in a beautiful urn between the fronds of the ever-blooming Christmas cactus.

We’ll – well i – will see how it goes.

I have no idea if this is healthy or not, but it works for me. Despite my objections, i have to learn to live without him.

But i worry about visitors. Hmmm maybe not introduce them? That always used to piss him off but, now, really there are limits!

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Broken

Tonight, and often, i just feel broken.

I can’t explain why. And i know millions of people (maybe everyone) go through this loss, but i feel broken often, and so tonight.

On good days (oh yes, more and more often) i get up and smile and pretend to be engaged, and even enjoy moments, or minutes, or hours talking on the phone. I have tried to set a routine for ocean or forest walks, (although my friend i hiked with and who comforted me through this hideous dementia journey died 6 months ago) leaving another emptiness.

But some days, a word, a memory, bring me crashing down to loss and loneliness and just … Broken. i can’t get out of bed, no matter how long i sleep. Bed and its dreams is better than the emptiness, when one is broken.

I keep climbing up – clambering up – out of this despair, and make it for a few hours of Normal, laughing, talking, enjoying thinking as always, truely engaged and savouring it like a drink of cool water.

But then… something unexpected pulls me back to the gaping emptiness of Broken. I hardly dare to see my well-meaning and loving friends. Some of them do think, he’s been dying and mentally gone for years, why aren’t you over it? Or ready to be with people?

That might take a great healer and a shrink to explain, but a decade and a half of trauma, physical fear, my sacrificed career changes, a deep miraculous gift of soul-to-soul union, might go a ways to explain this pain.

A month ago i had to file papers with Canada and cried all over the lovely lady’s desk when i had to swear how long we had lived together. This day it was the credit union needing papers signed. I was good at first but after an hour of paperwork, i was staring into the void, broken, again

And a few hours later, suddenly but temporarily furious. How could he leave me like this? WTF? my anger was intense and not healing, just bringing more grief.

Slowly reason returns and i know those long years of our suffering were in part because he did not want to leave, he could not bear it any more than I.

But now i alone must deal with Now, dragging my heart and mind like injured limbs, Broken.

No way to sugar-coat this. I only hope it eases and then i can enjoy life as before, but i suppose always dragging my broken heart behind, like a dead dream.

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