Tonight two years ago my love died, i think in peace, but my heart still hurts unbelievably. I kissed him and said, Farewell my love, and left. He knew – in the last stages – but i suspect he knew. I suspect, perhaps romantically, he would not leave while i was there. It was the last thing i could give him and me, freedom to go.
But it is not that easy, it turns out.
As time goes on i see more and more how he supported me and understood me beyond my bluff denial.
Okay dude, I never admitted it to you – that would be giving up my power – but you knew more about me than anyone else. And loved me anyway: “God knows I love you babe, but….”
I thought i was toughened by years of grief, dealing with dementia. Thought the End would be easy in comparison.
Little did i know how lonely i would be, without you challenging me, calling my bluff, often painfully. Now no one really knows me.
Other caregivers cautioned me, but i discounted – thinking i had suffered enough. Turns out grief isn’t like that. You don’t just pay your ration of grief and get HomeFree.
And so i sit tonight, grieving. Let this grief be witness.
CaringCV 
Painfully beautiful, dear one. Thanks for sharing.
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Yes, there really is no ‘home free’ from grief. It is deep and lasting (as love is) but the pain is sometimes lifted by a smile from a remembered sharing. Hugs to you!
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Also to be clear, his passing was a blessing but still hurts
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Grief has no timeline, I fear. It takes as long as it takes. And then some. Eventually the waves are less like tsunamis. x
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Delores, I love you as so many do! I feel for you. ❤️
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My heart is with you, Delores. I have never known a love as strong as your and Don’s love for each other. Sending you love and a warm hug. Hopefully we make it to White River soon.
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