This afternoon I could not go visit my man, my cared-for-one. I knew that when he looked at me with that happiness in his eyes, I would just cry, which is upsetting for him and me.
To see how he struggles to understand simple words, and really doesn’t, to see how abilities are being stripped from his grasp, one by one, to realise that he now sees the ward as his safe place (which is a blessing), and that he operates almost entirely on intuition and body language. To know all that, I could not go in and cry. When I do, he touches me gently, wondering.
The other day he held my face in his hands and said with great conviction, “You are SO beautiful.”
I left shortly after and cried in the car. To have a lover, a life partner,who is on your side forever, who sees you as a beautiful woman (no matter how delusional that is) and to lose that man, is a loss beyond description.
So today I hung around the house in tears, thinking about my loss and the horrific strength he still shows, the bravery in living through an experience he does not understand. I know him all the way to my soul and i know he is facing this unknown, un-understood, with great bravery using that core strength which few people may have seen but which i have come to respect over the decades.
So i hung around the house snivelling and weeping, and after a few hours the pain cleared like ugly clouds and I suddenly felt better, able to smile and laugh, able to write this blog. As if the storm had passed over, for now.