Monthly Archives: March 2023


I found this very helpful — i have been feeling guillty and also tbh being guilted by friends who want me up and about again and even demand it (as in oh good he’s finally dead, let’s move on. Am i being mean — or accurate?)

But it’s like groping for solid ground in shifting sand and i just can’t do it. This post is helping me:

Not sure if you are allowed (ugh barf) to feel this way 1 and a half years after death, but i do.

Been putting up a good smoke screen and keeping our small non profit running, and running well, no year of mourning for me! but my heart is running on empty and nourishing memories


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Thinking back

It is just over a year and five months since Don went to the light. The fog of grief and trauma is receding, slowly, although sometimes washing or roaring back up like a high tide, and then it slowly laps away again, for a day or a week.

It is, I think, probably going to be survivable. That was, I suspect, seriously in doubt at times.

Anyway, looking back, of course there are so many memories i cherish. I am pretty sure i test my friends’ patience telling these stories, although they deny it. To be honest, i don’t really care – i can tell them to myself just as well. And some really are zingers, others are just fond and lonely recall, a way of keeping him near me.

But looking way way back, i am recalling how, long before he started cutting boards short, long before the doctors, he started with these weird jokes. He would pretend he had forgot something – my name, what meal we were having, who his sons were, whether we were planting potatoes or tomatoes.

There was always a somewhat comical twist to these little jokes, but there was also always a very intent examination of my reaction, to see if i thought it was funny.

It was clearly so important to him that i always laughed or smiled, even long after he really HAD forgotten, during the time – a few years – of denial he went through.

Thinking back, i realise he was checking, testing, trying to use his intelligence for a self-assessment.

Later when it got worse, he would use that same intelligence to tell our friends (probably over and over! but i figured they could handle it for 10 minutes during my 24 hour caregiving day) that he had Alzheimers. I asked why and he said, “Because you see, when i get so bad that I need help, they will know what is wrong and help me.”

And people did their best.


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