After breakfast my love sat down for his usual morning nap, but woke up in a gloom: “I’m afraid.” (This has become one of his most common statements and I find it very sad.)
I asked what he was afraid of. “I’m afraid we are going to have to kill some people.”
This was a bit startling, but his caregiver arrived to take him to the Day Program – he cooperating somewhat unwillingly – and the day progressed, although he was “edgy” for most of the day. In the afternoon I lay down with him for a nap, hoping that would switch the channel, and it did, but in the wrong direction.
The problem emerged full-scale, sputtering and urgent: “We have to stop killing people. What is wrong with you? Why can’t you understand?” I was absolutely unable to respond in any effective way at all, quite stunned, my mind numb. I did get him dressed and out to the living room, knowing and glad that my friend Sue was still in the house. I was somewhat frightened, foreseeing hours of facing this anger alone, because she would have to go home at some point.
Sue came out and did a bunch of affirmative listening…”Yes bad things do happen in the world.” “But there are lots of good people too.” Sort of interrupted the growing spasm of irritation I was facing, perhaps feeding.
The monster rumbled off, and in a half hour came back, chastened, and pulled me aside to say, “I don’t know what happened. I was thinking about eating, but of course everyone has to eat.”
But he ate very little mac and cheese for supper that night.