To be clear

Things are going better. The paperwork hangs on – i did his last taxes but just can’t seem to remember to mail the papers.

There wasn’t much so i hope that is all proceeding well. There should be a social service or help for those who.have lost their life partners – everything is hard but some agency could make it easier by helping.

But for me i still get emotional whiplash. Thought i was over the worst and doing surprisingly well, although doing well seems mostly to be presenting a brave happy face to the world.

But tabling for the watershed sentinel at a community event on Sunday … well, i enjoyed it, loved the company, and thought finally! i was ok. I knew i have gotten emotional whiplash each time before, but i thought this time, months later, i had finally swum out of that drowning pool.

And then the backlash. Tonight i remembered how he would always carry the boxes for me, i never had to worry about that hassle.

Then i touched his urn, and it was cold, he would have been complaining.

And again the future looks bleak and empty and i am so alone with only my memories and heartbreak for company.

Better, but not ok, not yet. Hiding it better, but still broken.