To be clear

Things are going better. The paperwork hangs on – i did his last taxes but just can’t seem to remember to mail the papers.

There wasn’t much so i hope that is all proceeding well. There should be a social service or help for those who.have lost their life partners – everything is hard but some agency could make it easier by helping.

But for me i still get emotional whiplash. Thought i was over the worst and doing surprisingly well, although doing well seems mostly to be presenting a brave happy face to the world.

But tabling for the watershed sentinel at a community event on Sunday … well, i enjoyed it, loved the company, and thought finally! i was ok. I knew i have gotten emotional whiplash each time before, but i thought this time, months later, i had finally swum out of that drowning pool.

And then the backlash. Tonight i remembered how he would always carry the boxes for me, i never had to worry about that hassle.

Then i touched his urn, and it was cold, he would have been complaining.

And again the future looks bleak and empty and i am so alone with only my memories and heartbreak for company.

Better, but not ok, not yet. Hiding it better, but still broken.


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3 responses to “To be clear

  1. Susan Yates

    Alone in your particular grief Delores, but not alone in knowing what that feels like – I call it hangover grief – I seem to be doing okay and then wham! If you are doing a WS table at an event and you’d like help, please let me know ahead of time – I would love to do that if I am available.

    Kindest regards, Susan



  2. When Mike died his friend Charlie gave me something about grieving. (In the previous year he’d lost his father and sister.) The one thing I still remember was the fact that in some cultures the grieving are not allowed to sign legal contracts for one year as they are during that time considered to be legally insane. It takes time.


  3. Anonymous

    I love you! It will pass.