We were talking at work yesterday about lying, that being pretty topical in BC politics right now. I said glibly that I didn’t lie, but then admitted that i had gotten darn good at therapeutic fibbing while i looked after my anxious husband at home.
In fact after a few years of practice i could spin a fib without batting an eye, anything to calm his lost and frightened nerves.
Now i have discovered another useful fib. Or maybe more a way of living alternative reality.
Instead of his old forceful and awful refrain of “Let’s go Babe,” he now says calmly, “Well I’m going to leave soon but I sure don’t want to leave without you.”
“I’ll go with you,” i say happily. His face clears and relaxes. “Well that will be wonderful.”
I elaborate and embroider: “I’ll always go with you….We will always be together.”
“Oh boy! Really?… I’d be surprised.” He searches my face and I cast my thoughts to how close we are, and how he is always in my heart, talking, warning me to look after myself, cracking jokes. I hope that reality shows in my face.
“Yes,” I take a chance and push it. “We will be together forever. You know it. You in my heart and me in yours.”
He relaxes even more and kisses my hand. He shows no anxiety as i walk away.
What were we really talking about? A trip to Ontario was part of the context, something we have done by plane, by train, and probably two dozen times by car.
But more than that, it was about passing. So many times he has said, “I’m not afraid to die but I don’t want to leave you.” I have always responded with unconvincing assurances that I would be ok. Sad,(devastated actually) but ok.
It is common – or was in the older generations – for widows to have their name engraved on the husband’s gravestone, with the date of death left to be filled in later. The practice gives me the creeps, but he has always considered the custom both beautiful and natural.
After his loved cousin Bert’s funeral, wife Frances came home, insisted on showing her girls the dress for her funeral, laid down on the bed for a rest before dinner, and died. This story always brought my love to tears at the beauty of their love. I was very impressed but not so enamoured.
But now I have ditched the bs, the personal insecurities, and gone straight to the heart, telling the truth by fibbing, and we are both better for it.
CaringCV 
You could ask yourself if your motivation for fibbing is altruistic or self serving. That will give it some perspective.
jenny
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You do still know who he is! Beautiful.
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The thing is ( I believe ) that the only time what we actually have is right now ! The past is an experience that we can relive in thought , but who knows where it really is!. The future, as the song goes ,” is not ours to see ! what will be will be.” I believe that you are doing the best that anybody could do in your circumstance , and living with the more imminent parting, and worse still , the present loss of clear connection makes it so impossibly difficult .Rather like talking to someone too far away to hear accurately , I think. We all have great problems when a life’ s partner leaves us in life or death, and you have made it very clear the difficulties of this half way stuff . I am sure that in the future , your observations may be of great benefit to others in your position9 or now if they can see it at the right time. Writing this blog may be cathartic , but it is so well done that I believe that it will have continuing benefit .With best wishes always
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