Again and again and again.

I try to count my blessings every day — all the wonderful things we have that make our life easy. Good medicare, and good doctors, wonderful help with caregiving, a nice house, good friends and all the food we feel like eating. This beautiful valley to live in. So many things to be thankful for.

But at the same time, this morning i am obsessed with everything I have given up to this disease, and it is not a small list. Start with our home, our huge market garden, my island community with all its warts and flowers, vast chunks of my lifework (career) gone, the travelling I so enjoyed, both with my partner and, even more, alone. Many of my friendships left stagnant and untended. Most of the stuff we did together for recreation like fishing, exploring, hiking, camping — no, actually all of it now that a 5 block walk has become to him , “Five miles.” My solitude which nourished my soul. Even my privacy. The ability to go for a short walk or take a long shower, or run off to a friend’s house for a quick coffee and a gossip. Sacrificed. All sacrificed for this disease.

Sacrificed while my 80-year-old life partner asks, again, for me to show him how to read a clock. Again and again.

With no end in sight. No relief. No cure. Again and again and again.

Multiply this cost by the millions and millions of families afflicted by this disease. Unimaginable.

Well, the caregiver has come, so now I think I WILL go out for a walk. One small thing that might make a big difference.

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One response to “Again and again and again.

  1. jeaniem

    I am so sorry Delores!! My heart goes out to you I know what you mean exactly.
    !! But I am the “poster girl” caregiver for bad decisions. I bought K home to sit by the ocean breeze for the afternoon. Next night a call came, come and pick him up! From the caretaker at the hospital! He has packed his bags, If he did not settle down she was going to call the police! (turned out she meant the ambulance but I got ready to pick him up).more to this story when we meet for lunch. I will stay with the club because eventually you will run into this too & my exceedlingly bad decisions might help some of you. Yes you are very lonely when your partner finally goes in and you are racked with guilt. Also I am a bad speller! J xoxo