Can’t win

This is just a disease where you can never win. No matter how carefully you manage and manage and cope and cope, eventually it all crashes into a madness and chaos. I guess that’s why they call it dementia.

And this is not about guilt, it is simply accepting that one’s very best is not ever going to be good enough. It is about going in one’s mind to a quiet place where you step back and watch the train crash. (Ew –what a bad metaphor — considering I just booked tickets on the train to go visit our family one last time!)

Forgot to make sure my dear one (spoken sarcastically) swallowed his pills last night, and was kept up all night with his insane fretting and worry — the details don’t matter — it was just cuckoo land. I am exhausted, emotionally and physically.  This morning, I see no way out of this and no way to keep up my strength. Sweetie, of course, has gone back to bed because he is so tired. I shouldn’t let him, but, frankly, any time he just is quiet for awhile is a bonus!

And time goes slowly by, and my own vitality with it.

Yesterday was a tough day — we went to see the urologist about the prostate cancer, which is just sitting there quietly slowly growing, and the doctor said, anything we can do now will make his dementia worse, and given his age (almost 80) I think you should just stop testing even. What happens will happen.

It is like going into a black hole, to accept that, and yet, rationally, it is true.

I do not know if “the patient” understood the conversation, but I think, deep down, he did, because he was awfully quiet all evening. Until that is, it was time to sleep!



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3 responses to “Can’t win

  1. Grace Clarke

    I hear you, dear friend, I pray for quiet refreshing moments for you, a sense of hope, and comfort that you are not alone. hugs Gbud


  2. My blessings for you in the quiet moments – perhaps a minute of peace with out worry, grief, or a reminder of your sleeplessness . I hold you in my arms of love , as it is all I can do except to understand. I honour your strength and your ability to hold the moment enough to share . As your strength in what you perceive as a week moment is actually fuel for another to keep going


  3. norleen lillico

    It’s too hard for one person to bear. Thanks for writing this and putting it out, so we in your community can share the difficulties. You give the generous gift of quality of life each day you are there with your whole heart fully present and loving; whether your dear friend is aware of it and lets you know, or not.