Going better

January is a very rocky month for me. The dark, the loss of my mother, and of my father, both in that dark and difficult month. And also 2 years ago in January i walked the remnants of my beloved man into that locked care ward, another ending, loss of hope, and end of so many dreams.

But the last week and a half  i have been seeing him every day. Our caregiver friend was sick so it was all up to me. And don had one of those deep-voiced colds he gets.

Thinking and fearing how quickly a closure – a quarantine, frightful and dangerous – can come down, i violated my attempted rule to only see him every couple of days and i have gone every day. Sometimes for 20 minutes, usually for less than an hour, occasionally, when i had time and the right mood, longer.

And i think it’s better. Doesn’t need to be a huge amount of time. It satisfies my need to see him, i feel more cheerful having allowed myself to pop in whenever i feel like it, instead of both dreading and rationing visits, and feeling obliged to stay a prescribed time.

And as for him…. he seems more comfortable with me popping in and out. It is becoming normal to him, lost in the jumbled fog of his head as he is.

I pop in, we greet, usually happily, sometimes joyously, and more and more often, mundanely. Sometimes its “Oh. who are you?” Sometimes “how did you get here?” Sometimes there are only sounds that sound like words.

He knows i am around somewhere and he is clinging less. Often he shadows someone else instead of me – and i slip out.

Myself, i feel reassured that i know exactly how he is, and i am no longer under compulsion to fill time constraints he does not even have. He more and more believes all the people in his head including me are “around here somewhere,” and of course so they are. Our loved ones walk with us everywhere.

And so, for now, this week, this dark month, we reach a kind of blessed in-the-moment peace.

Although it does take more gasoline, even in my little car. Maybe gaia will forgive us for this temporary indulgence. I think she will.

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