So much to think about, to contemplate, as summer comes to its height.

The other day he began his usual “Let’s go Babe!” The phrase still sends shivers down my spine from all the times I endured these restless fits of discomfort, sometimes backed by anger, over the years. But now the sentiment gives me a sense of pity too, as I look at him and he explains (the words slowly assembled in between generous garbled helpings of word salad), “There’s nothing happening here, just the people dying. Let’s go.”

This shortly after my doctor haltingly suggested that perhaps i didn’t need to visit so often, or perhaps I should consider looking for new companionship. That was part of the response when I blurted out, “Don’s gone!” and was somewhat appalled at my words spoken aloud, although I know I must accept this bizarre fate and get my head around it.

A few days later it was a good day, and he was happy to see me, cupping my face in his hands, asking, “Who is this?” Not recognising, or being able to pronounce, my name anymore. I remember how a dear caregiver friend at Seniors Peer Counselling shocked us when she reported that it gets easier in some ways when the loved one doesn’t know you anymore. And  I accept the wisdom of her words. It does get easier, because you have truly done all you can, you have lost the battle against this disease stealing away your person, and there is nothing left to do but wait. And bear witness.

He did really seem to like the fidget toy I got him, asking for it at lunch — “where’s the thing with holes?” and making a circular motion. As for lunch, it was carefully mashed and mashed and mashed into one big mess, which, when finally tasted, didn’t please at all.


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3 responses to “Conversations

  1. tressbackhouse

    This entry has made me wonder who we are?( I have just wiped out my own experiences ,of his disintegration, because it will not help you )!, my beloved husband did not lose the connection as has your Don , so that when he died calling out to his mother and older brother , both dead many years , I felt that he was in a different place , perhaps in time, and when he died it seems as if he had evacuated his body. and yet half hour before he knew me and said that he loved me , which was a comfort. Perhaps Don is just leaking out of his body so slowly that in the process he cannot hold any of his integration together and give you the comfort that you could have if his life was more cleanly evacuated from his body. This may sound nuts !but perhaps , your doctor is right , that you cannot help him and yet you are suffering unbearably yourself. You have done more than seems possible.If you believe in the possibility of being blessed , I ask the comfort of i it for you!

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  2. Tress i just saw this. I am just wandering around lost in who we are and how. Tied only by emotion. But also by the simple smell and feel of a body which is home. I would dearly love to sit with you and think about this.


  3. tressbackhouse

    I have ofton thought that we might meet .. . I am hampered by lack of a car these days . if you are interested please come for a cup of tea or something . Tel 250 339 0533