Today my love was so confused and obviously exhausted that i lay down in his bed with him to try to get him to nap. But just like often at home, he was so wound up that he would sleep for a few minutes and then start talking, “Guess i better get up, guess it’s time to go.” … Looking in surprise at me, “Oh who are you?”
Those were the coherent comments among a stream of consciousness. He barely knew me, took no or very little comfort from our old ritual of lying down for a nap
He looked more debilitated than ever. I quietly wept as we lay restlessly together.
Even though the care home is doing their best, nothing but nothing can stop or change or reverse this slow motion tsunami that is sweeping away his brain and sweeping him away from me.
I try hard to choke back my wails (there are neighbors) but nothing can make any difference now. My love is most unwillingly deserting me. This love has been at the core of my being, gave me the loving encouragement over almost forty years to be me.
My world is ending in slo-mo, as it has over the last decade. I mourn alone at night, and smile in the day.
But everything is not okay. And the one i go to for solace cannot help me anymore.