After a lovely evening with a dear friend at the Sunday night jam at the pub, where I was tormented in between the beats with how much my love would have enjoyed the entire event –the sort of happy funky musical event we sought for always –I am again overcome with angst. How do you live through this agony?
Each time I grasp at life, I am struck tumbling down again because he is not there to enjoy it with me –the enjoyment that makes it all so much sweeter. The lack of my man turns every grasp I make at recovery into bitter ashes.
For some reason I am remembering the time about 9 months ago when we staggered to the post office where we get the mail for our magazine. Don barely made it up the steps, so I got him in a chair to wait, holding his walking stick and looking quite frail, while I stood in line. The guy behind me started chatting and we were joking around when I hear a tiny determined voice announcing to the assembled line in general, “That’s my woman there. She’s a really good woman. That’s my woman.” From what I could tell through my embarrassment, the other guys in line were sympathetc and encouraging.
His determination to hold on to me, for his own care -very practical – but also from our love – probably makes this parting which neither of us want (although my freedom is slowly expanding in my mind) so much more painful.
Don seems happier today. Nice to be with. But he had peed all over his room again this morning. Shoe, chair, etc. … I started to cry and the care aide gave me a hug and said, it’s OK we know it is just the way that disease goes…. )
I’m his woman and he’s locked up in a dementia ward. Where all reports are that although he still constantly asks for me (but only recognizes me half the time when I come) he is doing fine, even singing and dancing on occasion when the time is right.
CaringCV 
Sometimes he is singing and dancing and even attempting to tell people about Lilly pad Lou. The reason he continues to ask for you is because his love is so deep for you. That part has never gone away.
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It is so hard. I know just what you mean, last week in Maui I was invited to a party where a band had a jam session.
They had invited me to join them in their home. We sang around a grand piano all the old and new songs, it was wonderful. But I could not help thinking, wouldn’t Ken have loved this, how I miss him. It seems we are always happy/sad with our partners in care, they have not died, and are being held tightly in our hearts.
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Love you, Delores! Wendy Kotilla 4327 Minto Road Courtenay, BC V9N 9P7 250-336-8487 http://www.youthecology.ca
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Thank you so much for sharing your journey. For utting into words what so many are going through. It never ends, this sense of loss before an actual end.
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I’m not at all sure this is an appropriate response or not but here it goes… I have been single for most of my life but I have had many romances and 3 live-in relationships. Now, whenever I experience joy of any kind, I realize that it is only 1/2 of the joy because joy is meant to be shared. I find beauty in a sunset but it’s only 1/2 as beautiful if I am alone in that moment. It’s not a forever lonely feeling, it’s an acceptance of the way it is. There is nothing sweeter to me than to share laughter with a friend. It makes me feel complete. I seem to fluctuate between feeling whole and feeling that there is something missing. Your situation is new to you and deeply rooted in love. It’s also complicated by the fact that he is with you but not with you. Try to remember that all happiness is fleeting. Surround yourself with friends and as much laughter as you can find. Find peace when you are alone with yourself and find satisfaction in doing one small thing for yourself everyday. Your heart will always be with him and his heart is with you. You are very lucky to have found this in your life. Love him as I know you do.
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