Careful and Surprising Steps

  •  I can open and close cupboard doors, answer and talk on the phone, go to the bathroom, rattle a pot lid, fart ( who? moi?), drop a piece of paper — all without a major episode — without explaining what happened, without getting trapped in never never land about what I was doing, without having to say It’s OK,  I’m alright. The freedom is still slowly expanding in my head.

My mother had a blood clot on her brain and when they took it away (because they had to; it was huge) her brain expanded so fast she had a disastrous stroke. Gotta to be careful with this freedom stuff. Don’t want to lose what I am gaining by going too far too fast.

  • I realise I am siding out of the bedroom, glancing out of the corner of my eye at where he used to lie, and I don’t want to think — or write–about it.
  • There is a green canvass bag of mine that Don used, successfully, for a few years as a man bag that helped keep his things, the ones with a tendency to get lost every couple of hours (sic) — wallet,  Ipod,  handkerchiefs, glasses,  together. It was lying in a corner. I picked it up and tossed it in the garbage. Later I thought, oh I could use that again, but visualising it, decided, No. I don’t want to carry all those memories on my arm every day. The bag stays in the garbage.
  • Listening to a song about love of the coast, the trees, the sea, I was surprised and relieved not to feel the familiar tug of guilt when I thought of how much I love this land, which was not my beloved’s place of heart, that being the Madawaska Valley of Ontario.




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4 responses to “Careful and Surprising Steps

  1. kathleen kinasewich

    yes, be in that moment and be kind to yourself , a graceful re entry to the new you is just the path you are taking , it is an honour to know you now and the new you emerging ….Im still looking for me , and I wondering is there is a reward at the finding of…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I bet your heart and lungs are expanding as well

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Grace

    Lovely findings!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Judith

    It looks like you recently took a big step in your and Don’s journey, and like it’s been with mixed emotions for you. I’m so glad he’s adjusting well and I wish you all the best as you give yourself more time to take care of yourself.