I just can’t stand it

I want to rip out my brain or kill myself or …well what do you do when he strokes your face and says, Babe, what has come between us? He has no idea what is coming down. To him, maybe?, it is just him and me and us, which has defined both our lives for 3 decades.

I just want to die. It hurts too much. He suffers, but forgets, and babbles the same words – when they are words – over and over and over and over….  (Oh you, dear reader, find that boring, hey, or overdone – ha!) but I just can’t stand it. It is appalling.

Nothing will ever make this good – it is a hole in my soul which will never heal. Yes one day if I survive this pain, I may walk around again among the living and laugh and smile but I will never again be whole. There will always be a tear inside my soul, my heart, my gut, I will always be walking wounded. And to me right now getting to that state would be a victory, a healing.

I suspect when I think about it that many of us are walking wounded – how can it be otherwise with the terrors of this world. You die, or you survive, walk, or crawl away, wounded. And most of us I am guessing cover it up, let the wounds scab over and scar,  and carry on.

Why go through it I don’t actually know.

He wants to know, in this brief painful moment while he is not moaning about wanting to go home, sweet mother, to that imaginary home which vanished when his father died 40 years ago or more, he wants to know why I am going away from him. And I have no answer,  only pain. I cannot cry because that will only upset him.

The caregivers tell me he answered the phone into the door handle in the office while I was away and later, held his glass up to the kitchen cupboard door to get water.

And I have no answer for what is tearing us apart.



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6 responses to “I just can’t stand it

  1. Tress Backhouse

    Even reading this is painful, so to imagine your suffering is even more so. There are things thati could say from outside this pain ,but they would seem irrelevant. Even this will pass. I wish and pray for your strength. and for all the help that you can get , A dear friend has just died and I can only watch and hear the pain of his partner and give her my love as I second hand give to you.


  2. Grace

    Oh Delores, I just want to just hug you and not try to say anything to fix the unfixable! Lord of all Creation, surround this dear friend with the hope and comfort inside her utter grief that only would be possible for You! Amen (so be it!)


  3. Peggy Ash

    I too, like Grace,would just like to give you a hug and let you know I am thinking of you and praying for you. ❤️❤️


  4. Thank you to all — your prayers and company ARE a comfort.


  5. Delores, your pain is a signal of how much you love Don. No one should have to suffer for so long, neither the caretaker nor the poor souls who are taken by this dreadful disease. I often wonder how I would respond in your position and I cannot imagine I would be the smallest percentage of what you have been for Don. Alas, we know it’s time to let go, and save yourself to have some free years to bloom as who you are. Please don’t let this monster that is Alzheimers take you both down. You are far too precious to give up. Life can be so cruel, but that is also why love is so fierce. No one can take away the love you have for him, or the many great memories of better times. He is a beautiful man and many hearts are broken for what this has done to both of you. Know that you are loved, respected, and cherished. My prayers are for you both.

    There’s a spare room overlooking the ocean waiting for you in Fanny Bay. You are welcome to come any time. I would love to have you come and visit. You can curl up by the fire with a good book, take long walks on the beach, head out for a bike ride or a paddle, and get lots of much needed hugs and great healthy food.

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  6. Anonymous

    feel for you delores, as you are faced with utterly bewildering questions which may or may not have answers