So a few days ago….well, I blew – there is no other way to say it.
All the careful, intelligent, humorous caregiving just thrown out the window – kapow! We had had a couple of rather rocky days — including Don being edgy and not settling down, and an enticing invitation to return to some of my professional life as a toxics activist, and other personal stresses. Then my poor love asked the same question for about the 15oth time and….that was it.
I ran into the kitchen and threw a glass in the sink. I am still savouring how wonderful it felt — the sharp crack of the glass breaking. Marvellous. I don’t think I will take up throwing crockery, but I can see how very satisfying it is!
But with that crack came something inside me breaking too and I just stared to cry for hours and hours…. Frightening my love to no end – the next day when I was over it except for some swollen eyes, he came into the room and started to cry, saying he thought our relationship was over and I was going to throw him out. Not good at all. Poor guy. I think he is starting to get over it now, but that is real lesson to me. He has no way at all of interpreting my reactions, just like a little child.
Also I have had to do some serious work forgiving myself….made easier, perversely, by the fact that my love has not forgiven me at all, and goes around calling me Crazy Woman. Oh well, if it fits, wear it, hey!