Tonight two years ago my love died, i think in peace, but my heart still hurts unbelievably. I kissed him and said, Farewell my love, and left. He knew – in the last stages – but i suspect he knew. I suspect, perhaps romantically, he would not leave while i was there. It was the last thing i could give him and me, freedom to go.
But it is not that easy, it turns out.
As time goes on i see more and more how he supported me and understood me beyond my bluff denial.
Okay dude, I never admitted it to you – that would be giving up my power – but you knew more about me than anyone else. And loved me anyway: “God knows I love you babe, but….”
I thought i was toughened by years of grief, dealing with dementia. Thought the End would be easy in comparison.
Little did i know how lonely i would be, without you challenging me, calling my bluff, often painfully. Now no one really knows me.
Other caregivers cautioned me, but i discounted – thinking i had suffered enough. Turns out grief isn’t like that. You don’t just pay your ration of grief and get HomeFree.
And so i sit tonight, grieving. Let this grief be witness.
CaringCV 