Today for the first time since my love passed, i actually truly enjoyed myself for 2 hours, with no tears, no regrets, and joy in my heart.
Yesterday i went to the beach and that too was good, but every little social outing is completely exhausting. I usually crawl into bed for an hour even after a quick trip to the store. It overwhelms. All those living bodies, each with their own complex stories, just too much.
But today was different.
My friend Linda and I met for brunch at the Wave, a hotel in the Valley which had a bluegrass jam featured.
And oh i was transported – live music! the rhythm, that lovely bluegrass twang, the banjo, guitar, bass, and the fiddle. It was magic and joyful.
My friend of over a decade looked at me and said, “I didn’t know you liked bluegrass that much” and i had to laugh as i said, I didn’t either!
I remembered how my love would be up dancing, as i so wanted to (covid rules say no). And was glad there was no need to try to explain that rule to him. It would have been a nightmare, ending in anger and tears. That is over.
It is a small start – the beginning of imagining a new life, one to be enjoyed, as in his mid stage he so wanted for me. Today for a few hours the pain lifted and there was life and joy on the other side, instead of just endurance. No need to worry about him anymore.
Right now, in this moment, before the fog lowers again, i am interested to see what happens next.